Feeling pathetic & then some

Even though the prom theme was only released yesterday, gossip about who's asking who and etc has already taken over the school. Being my first year eligible to go to prom, of course I really want to get asked but at this point, I really, honestly don't think anyone is planning on asking me. I promise I'm not saying this because I'm desperate and am hoping for a pity date or anything, but I'm saying this because this whole prom ordeal has allowed me to reevaluate myself. Today, someone asked me who I wanted to go with and I was caught off guard because I honestly did not know. After thinking about it for a little, I wished I had a boyfriend, or at least someone I was interested in. My idea of prom had always been the fairy tale story: the romance of being asked by that one special boy and being whisked to prom where we would spend the best dance of the year together, engrossed in each other rather than in the stupid shallow details like planning groups & etc. Totally unrealistic, hypocritical and romantic, I know, but it's always been what I wanted. This led me to think about why I wanted/felt like I needed a boy for me to be happy, just in general. It made me realize that it wasn't always the boy that I really wanted, but the attention that came with having a boyfriend. By the way, I don't mean for this to come off totally shallow like "oh, she only wants boys for attention" because it's not totally true; I only date boys whose personalities I adore, completely seperate from my own issues. It's more of a theory as to why I act the way I do, why I get oversensitive at times and why I always commit more than I should to relationships. (I'm sorry, but the following is going to be totally cliche.)

Growing up, my parents were separated and I lived with my dad who had to work full time to support my brother and I while my mom saw me (and continues to only see me) about once a month, if I'm lucky. While in some ways this has allowed me to become more independent, it's also made me crave attention because, and this is total theory, my mom's leaving me with my dad made me feel unwanted in so many ways. My lack of a support system at home pushed me to find one in any other place where I could. Despite all this sounding completely melodramatic, I've realized that I need to learn to be happy without basing my happiness on my relationship status or just others in general. My want for attention has forced me to compromise my will for someone else's wants/needs in the past and despite the unhealthiness of it, I allowed it to happen because (I realize how pathetic this sounds) I can't stand being alone. I honestly wish I could be like so many of my friends who are happy being independent. It's funny how I came up with all this from a simple question, but life's like that.

So, I think prom will just be a whatever event for me; I'm not going to go out and pursue a date. What happens, happens and I want to promise myself not to freak out if things don't go the way I want.

Mmm

I don't know why, but I find the idea of prom being held at an aquarium utterly romantic.

On that note, the end of the year is coming quickly and despite my desire to get APs over with, I really want time to pass slower. I hate thinking about all the seniors graduating, but at the same time I can't wait for the new experiences this summer... I'm so very indecisive and I hate it.

Blogs, again?

So I guess I'm starting up blogging again? Every time I try blogging it never sticks because I just get too lazy/caught up with other things in life... hopefully this time it'll stick since StephanieFong is making me do this. But besides the peer pressure, I guess it would be nice to keep track of the "best years of our lives" somewhere.

So yesterday I started the day off DETERMINED to get some major studying/cramming done for APUSH by going to Barnes & Noble in The Shoppes in the morning. Sadly, I only got to study for 45-ish minutes because Rosalyn called me, begging me to fill in for one of her models in her line for the NOVO Fashion Show at her church, VOH. To be completely honest, I was really hesitant about agreeing because I knew I had to get alot done, study-wise, but my teenage mindset convinced me to go and try out something new. So, disregarding my promise to myself to not procrastinate for once and skipping out on dance, I went to the show. I have to say I was happy I gave in to myself. My first fashion show was an amazing experience and I would really be willing to do it all again. Despite my previous misgivings about modeling in front of a ton of strangers, the thrill of being up there was enthralling. Plus, I got to see people that I haven't seen in a while and see an actual fashion show on both sides, on the catwalk and back stage.

I was so grateful everyone who came out to support us, like Felicia, Sharon & Merek, and everyone who put the show together. Sorry, cheesey; but I'm in a cheesey/sappy sort of mood. (: After the show, we went out to Diamond Plaza but Rosalyn, Sharon & I mostly stuck with each other and just had soo much fun dishing/laughing/having food fall out of our mouths. D: Despite how obnoxious we probably seemed to the public, I loved every second of it. Boy talks and just general talks about what we wanted out of life just really gave me time to reflect on what really mattered. Of course, after the meal we headed up to Cue, took fobby pictures, and headed to our cars, getting hit on by two creepy guys "visiting from San Francisco" along the way. I don't understand why they would even consider asking for our numbers, but whatever.

All in all, Saturday turned out to be an unexpectingly amazing day! (: