Feeling pathetic & then some

Even though the prom theme was only released yesterday, gossip about who's asking who and etc has already taken over the school. Being my first year eligible to go to prom, of course I really want to get asked but at this point, I really, honestly don't think anyone is planning on asking me. I promise I'm not saying this because I'm desperate and am hoping for a pity date or anything, but I'm saying this because this whole prom ordeal has allowed me to reevaluate myself. Today, someone asked me who I wanted to go with and I was caught off guard because I honestly did not know. After thinking about it for a little, I wished I had a boyfriend, or at least someone I was interested in. My idea of prom had always been the fairy tale story: the romance of being asked by that one special boy and being whisked to prom where we would spend the best dance of the year together, engrossed in each other rather than in the stupid shallow details like planning groups & etc. Totally unrealistic, hypocritical and romantic, I know, but it's always been what I wanted. This led me to think about why I wanted/felt like I needed a boy for me to be happy, just in general. It made me realize that it wasn't always the boy that I really wanted, but the attention that came with having a boyfriend. By the way, I don't mean for this to come off totally shallow like "oh, she only wants boys for attention" because it's not totally true; I only date boys whose personalities I adore, completely seperate from my own issues. It's more of a theory as to why I act the way I do, why I get oversensitive at times and why I always commit more than I should to relationships. (I'm sorry, but the following is going to be totally cliche.)

Growing up, my parents were separated and I lived with my dad who had to work full time to support my brother and I while my mom saw me (and continues to only see me) about once a month, if I'm lucky. While in some ways this has allowed me to become more independent, it's also made me crave attention because, and this is total theory, my mom's leaving me with my dad made me feel unwanted in so many ways. My lack of a support system at home pushed me to find one in any other place where I could. Despite all this sounding completely melodramatic, I've realized that I need to learn to be happy without basing my happiness on my relationship status or just others in general. My want for attention has forced me to compromise my will for someone else's wants/needs in the past and despite the unhealthiness of it, I allowed it to happen because (I realize how pathetic this sounds) I can't stand being alone. I honestly wish I could be like so many of my friends who are happy being independent. It's funny how I came up with all this from a simple question, but life's like that.

So, I think prom will just be a whatever event for me; I'm not going to go out and pursue a date. What happens, happens and I want to promise myself not to freak out if things don't go the way I want.